I am not a doctor, nor am I trained in any form of medicine. However, I do know enough to self diagnose myself with a rare disease known as “The ugly girl syndrome”. I don’t know how many people are affected by this disease, nor do I know if there is a cure (besides banishing all bars where a possible ugly may exist.)

The disease is quite simple. It starts out with a male who travels to a bar alone, or with a group of friends. Our subject begins drinking and eventually you spot a girl from across the bar who he feels is perfect, and dreams about taking her home to meet his mother.

Our subject walks over, maybe asks to bum a cigarette, and buys her a drink. Our subject is now lost, and has entered the point of no return. He is lost in the drinks he has consumed, and he cant remember what questions he has asked her since he first sat down. Another round of drinks is ordered and some tacky mid 90’s song comes on that the girl loves. So they dance. It is at this point that the syndrome is at the highest point, because our subject informs the lady that he lives only a few blocks away and that they should vacate the bar.

I speak about the syndrome because I am one of the worst sufferers. I don’t know what has been programmed in my brain to where I only flock to the section of uglies at the bar. It doesn’t even make sense to me, because I love beautiful women. One of my close friends has said its an “efficiency” solution, which is crazy to me, but it makes sense. (the efficiency comment is made because ugly women will never turn you down, meaning you are always at 100%.)

Just last night I was in the UGS trance dancing with a girl who reminded me of Medusa (snakey hair, weird eyebrows, terrible clothes, etc). I swear, I knew what I was doing, I knew where it was leading, but I kept on dancing, kept on making conversation and all of the sudden the make out session began. I could see my friends who were 5 feet away, laughing and pointing at me (great feeling, I swear). I came home later that night to join the debate of who was uglier, the girl I was dancing with (my girl won the gold medal), or the girl currently asleep with my roommate. I could only imagine what the girl who was spending the night would be thinking if she woke up. What am I doing with my life?

A few months ago I have flocked to a girl who was wearing a backless shirt who needed to be in football uniform or a moo moo. Seriously, her back was seeping mounds of flesh and she was flaunting it. It was so bad at one point that my friends were gathered behind me taking pictures of her and laughing. Then other people at the bar starting taking pictures. Seriously, picture that; Flashes going off on a bar patio and people laughing. Terrible. It was like the paparazzi was taking advantage of my medical condition. I think she may have been missing a tooth as well.

You see the problem with the UGS is that the male is never in control. He knows what is going on, but cannot stop it. The force is far too powerful. Its like being under the influence of anesthesia, and being conscience of what is happening, but not having the ability to speak.

I know it may be odd to make this request, but with all the awareness ribbons out there, which color would you use for this?

-sinbad