Ask any guy out there what his primary sexual fantasies are and I guarantee you the list will be topped by two things, two chicks at the same time and anal sex. Regardless on their views about the cleanliness and morality of putting it in the pooper, all guys are at least a little intrigued by the idea. Seriously, why else would it be in nearly every porno I have encountered, and not to brag or anything, but I’ve encountered a lot of porn in my day.

This story begins as many do, in a bar, drinking heavily. Near the end of the evening my friend Bill and I had been making casual conversation with a woman who was reasonable looking but probably in her mid 30s and definitely not the type you want to take home to meet your mother, or even your friends for that matter. The three of us were having a good enough time though and decided to go back to the building Bill and I lived in to continue our evening. I rode with the girl from the bar to show her the way which was a harrowing experience to put it lightly. I could write a whole other article about that ride alone. In the end we made it. As we arrived, a girl from the building, whom I had previously attempted to bone, was also arriving. I waved to her and we went on our way.

As the evening progressed, it became clear that the girl from the bar was not planning on leaving any time soon and that she was intent on boning one of us. I was trying to figure out how to get out of this situation because Bill had a girlfriend so I knew he was going to dump her on me and then I’d have to get rid of her. Finally, we ran out of liquor, so the bar girl and Bill went up to his apartment to get some more. I was left alone in my apartment to figure out a game plan. At that moment, the solution literally walked right in. It was Alice, the girl we had seen when we got to the building. She came in and we started talking and I got out some beers I had kept hidden from the bar freak. I was pretty drunk and as I mentioned had previously tried to bone this chick, so I was laying it on pretty thick. We started making out and then right in the middle, there was a knock at the door. I went to the door and it was Bill, alone. He looked at me with this scared look on his face and said, “Dude, I don’t know what to do; as soon as we got up there she took off her pants. Now she’s standing in my apartment naked and I think she wants me to fuck her.” I pointed to Alice and told Bill that I was sorry but he’d have to figure out a way to get rid of the freak because I was busy and closed the door. I’m going to claim he’s the one that invited the freak back anyway, so it was really his mess to clean up from the beginning.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand, Alice and I get back to it and end up in my bed. Score, it’s going to happen. We get naked and just as we’re about to start, she whispers in my ear, “Do you want my pussy or my ass?” I was at a loss for words. You normally have to hound a woman for months to get her to give up access to the dirt star and here this slut is willing to open it up before we’ve even had normal sex. I was in a conundrum. I always had a fascination with anal but had never tried it. This was certainly an opportunity to say the least. Something about it wasn’t right though, it was too easy. The way she had offered it up without any hint of desire for it on my part didn’t compute in my mind. It was too slutty. She was too slutty for anal sex. To this day I wonder if it was the right decision, after all I did continue to hit it off and on for the next month or two. I could never go for the ass though; she had spoiled it on that first evening.

As for Bill, he came down the next morning mad as hell. He didn’t end up having to screw the freak but she did stay the night. I wonder if the girl he was dating ever found out about that.

-Ice Man

What is a drunk dial? I mean, I have dialed many a women late in the evening, but what for? Do I have a purpose? Not really. So why? I guess the main reason I drunk dial is because I am an idiot.

Lets get to the basics of a strong drunk dial. All you amateurs out there, take notes, or print off this article and carry it with next time you go out.

Rule #1 – You must be hammered drunk:
None of this I went out for 3 beers shit. You need to be rumbling stumbling drunk before you are ready to drunk dial. You should have consumed at least two types of alcohol as well ( a shot, beer, wine, cocktail…). This will ensure you have the proper liquid courage you will need for the following steps.

Rule #2 – You always call the opposite sex:
If you are a dude, why would you call another dude? If you are a girl, why call another girl? Ladies, don’t be that one girl who makes a fool of herself on her cell phone yelling at “her ladies” about how crazy you guys needs to get. You will sound like an idiot, and people like me will make fun of you.

Rule #3 – Say something you have always wanted to say:
This is a huge factor when drunk dialing. Its like being able to get free information from someone. It is ok to put your heart on your sleeve at this point because you are drunk. And if you make a fool of yourself, you can always blame it on being drunk. Its perfect.

Rule #4 – What do I do if the person I call isn’t drunk?:
Easy. Start yelling and don’t stop. Then proceed to make fun of them for not being out and then picking up the phone from someone they could 99.9% guarantee was drunk dialing them. They are more amateur than you are.

Rule #5 – Don’t leave voicemail:
Why would you? What good or purpose comes out of leaving a voicemail early in the morning? If the person calls you back the next morning, you can make up any number of excuses to get out a drunk dial conviction. Seriously, be creative with your excuses, they may impress the right person.

Rule #6 – Do not drunk dial in front of people:
This should be obvious, but I need to state it anyway. You don’t want other people thinking you are lame and that you still drunk dial. Do it in the confines of a bar bathroom, your house, or while going home.

Rule #7 – It’s ok to steal phones to drunk dial:
If you have friends you like to play pranks on, always take their phones and call ex-girlfriends, old hookups, parents, or their bosses. You can always downplay this by saying you meant to call someone else and that your finger slipped due to your drunkness.

Rule #8 – Once in a while it is ok to claim an emergency:
For the extremely desperate person, faking an emergency will work to get your receiver to come meet you, pick you up, or deliver food. However, you must be careful when using this method because this can really piss some people off.

Rule #9 – Have fun with it:
Remember, the more you drink the more you can drunk dial. As you are drinking your liquid courage, your creative juices will begin to flow and more ideas will come through. Don’t be afraid to try new things and mix it up every once in a while.

These are my drunk dialing rules.

-sinbad