The Beach and the Hooker

What is it about Myrtle Beach that is just so trashy? There are some nice places to go, a few delicious restaurants, definitely some good golfing, but there’s something about it that is just a little off. If you’ve lived North of Florida or South of New Jersey, then you’ve been there. No matter how you got down there, you had an interesting experience while you were there. I was no different.

It was early in my college career, and like many other college students, I was broke. Spring break had come around and I just didn’t have enough cash to go on a trip to Florida or going skiing out west somewhere. So I just decided to take the days off from school and pick up some hours at the sandwich shop I was working at. About half of the break was over and I was pretty down about the idea that I wasn’t going to be doing anything exciting, when my friend (I’ll call him Ben) came to the rescue and told me to come crash with all of his buddies down in Myrtle Beach. None of us had a lot of money, but you can always find money for gas and booze.

So as fast as he had sprung the idea on me, I was on my way to the beach and imagining what the trip had in store. It’s not a very long drive from my little college town, so before I knew it I was already smelling the salt of the ocean breeze blowing in through my car windows. This state of euphoria was interrupted when my buddy Ben called me on my cell phone. Ben told me I should hurry, because a friend of ours had decided to purchase a hooker for the night. Now our friend was a pretty good looking guy, he had no trouble getting women, but for some reason he decided to go the risky route and listen to the cab driver’s sales pitch for the evening. For one hundred dollars the cab driver could have a woman at our hotel room within an hour. That strikes me as a little bit cheap for what I would imagine the going rate for hookers are these days.

I hurried to the hotel, not having a clue of what was in store, and opened the door to a room full of guys with the strangest looks on their faces. I guess they thought I might be the prostitute when I opened the door, but when they saw me it was a combination of both relief and disappointment. I walked into the room and said hi to all the guys, but the fact of me getting there was almost an afterthought. It was kind of like waking up on Christmas morning and having to wait to open your presents.

We all sat there on the hotel beds and chatted while we awaited the arrival of our “Pretty Woman.” Let me tell you, that once the knock at the door came, it was not Julia Roberts on the other end. If you can imagine the skinniest version of a trailer park girl, then that was her. Well at this moment, I had absolutely no idea of what was about to happen. We all just sat around and kind of looked at each other waiting for the other to make a move. Then that’s when the financier of the evening decided to kick us all of the room so that he could have fun with his lady of the night.

Imagine all of our disappointment when we realize that we’re not even going to get to laugh about what all he is going to. So the rest of us all grab a few beers and go chat on the porch. After finishing our beers and getting a good buzz on, we decide we want to go to a pancake house and get some late night food. We all go back into the room to find our friend just finishing up with…well whatever he was doing. And he says that he’d like to come with us to get some food. Now here’s the awkward part. The hooker doesn’t see where she fits in all of this and decides to invite herself to the pancake house with us. Now that’s kind of intimidating. How could you tell the hooker no?

Well the pancake house was full of funny moments of us trying to embarrass the trailer queen, but that’s not the moral of the story. Once we finally arrive back to the hotel it’s time for the prostitute to settle up the bill and get her ride home. She pulls out her cell phone, that she must have stolen from Zach Morris, and calls her mother to pick her up. You can imagine the field day I had with this poor girl. Let’s just say we didn’t take the time to “build her up.” Our friend, who’s idea this all was in the first place, senses the tension of the moment and decides to take her into the bathroom for round two.

This time, we’re actually in the room while all of this is going on. I must have giggled like fourth grade school girl for 15 minutes. Once we could hear that things were wrapping up in the bathroom, all of us guys thought that we’d pretend to be asleep so that we could distance ourselves from the awkwardness of the evening. Once they came out it was time to settle up the bill. She asked our friend for the 100 dollars, but there was a problem. He only had 40 dollars on him. What happens next, I’ll never really understand how it happened. This doesn’t upset the girl; she simply just pleads for 10 more dollars so she can pay her “manager” his portion. So our friend starts to ask us all for the ten more dollars, but we’re all pretending to be asleep. He gets louder and louder and starts yelling at us to help when in a collective motion we all start busting out laughing. Someone in our group felt bad and pitched in four more dollars.

The girl ended up leaving the room giving up double the goods and fifty-six dollars in the hole. At least she got a free breakfast out of it. Needless to say, we’ve never let this guy live the events of that night down.

-Costanza