I really don’t even know where to begin with this next story. It has been talked about constantly between my friends and I over the past 4 years and people always ask at the end “did this really happen?”. Yes, it really did.

I forget how the night began, but I do know that a group of my friends met up with a group of girls at a local bar for drinks. As the night went on and guys began staking their claim on which girl they were going to try to shack with, everything became clear. This was one of the few nights I wasn’t confined to the ugly girl, but the next morning, I wish I had been.

I remember last call, and then having the bright idea of inviting everyone back to my house to see how far I could extend the night. Sure enough a few of the girls (including mine) decided to come back for more drinks. Could it be this easy? Yea, it really was.

We make it back to my place when another light bulb went off in my head (this next sequence truly shows the mind of an intoxicated college male) and I figure I want to get my girl alone. “Would you like a house tour?” I say in a drunken slurred state of speech. I remember her laughing and then smiling, then raising herself off the couch, 1-2-3 GO!

We make it to my bedroom where I decide I want to watch a movie, hoping she doesn’t realize that the TV in the living room is twice as big and that I just shut my bedroom door. I cant remember what movie I put on, but after I did, love was in the air. I couldn’t see straight, but I could see well enough to kiss my Saturday night flame. About 20 minutes later, loud bangs on my bedroom door and the sound of her friends screaming “the cab is here, were leaving” interrupted us. She asked if she wanted me for her to stay. What do you think? Its 3am, we were just making out, and this could be going somewhere. I reply “Yes, that would be great, I’ll give you a ride home in the morning.”

She asked for a pair of shorts to sleep in, so I handed her my favorite pair of my Universities basketball shorts for her to sleep in and gave her a shirt. Thirty minutes later, we passed out, movie still going, roommates still drinking and telling stories.

The next morning started off pretty typical. I rolled over and noticed the girl was staring dead into my eyes (ummmm HI!!!!) I tried to make her think I wanted to hang out with her again, but we all know this isn’t true. Yes, guys are deceiving.

I took her home, and then headed back to my house, drank some water, ate some cereal, then went into my room to tidy up a bit. I was getting my clothes ready for the wash, when I saw the pile of clothes the girl was wearing. I went to pick them up when I noticed something wasn’t right. There was an odor coming from the clothes she was wearing. I double checked the floor before I took further action, just to make sure I didn’t have a plate of food behind my chair; I didn’t.

I took the pair of shorts, and took a sniff, it wasn’t 2 seconds later that I began to dry heave so loud I heard my roommate start moving around in his room. The smell was so terrible that I took another whiff, and after that I felt that I was going to vomit. I cant to this day describe the smell, besides that it was definitely like a dried up patch of onions, turds, and sweat.

I ran over to my roommates room and began banging on the door. No way was he going to believe me. I told him the story, and MADE him smell the stench of 40 junkyards and garbage heaps. He began dry heaving. The smell was not capable of being produced by a normal human being. After about 10 minutes of dry heaving, laughing, and finally gathering our senses, (during this time we threw the pair of shorts on our other roommates head while he was sleeping. He woke up smelled them, dry heaved, didn’t find that funny, and then punched me in the arm.) we threw the shorts away and went to lunch.

Sinbad advice: girls, please shower before shacking up with a gentleman…unless you hate him.

-sinbad