How to Poop at Work
Ladies/Gentlemen
Sorry for the long delay. The blog is not dead as some of you may have thought. We are all alive and doing well. I normally will NEVER post a forward on the blog, but this was too good to pass up. Again, this is not mine or any of the writers work below:
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As
much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who
hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide
for taking a dump
at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left
your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next
to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes
an escapee. It
is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water.
This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to
stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is
best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. This very
uncomfortable walk can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always
look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering
the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes
off without incident. This group can help you to
monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify
SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in
the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper
of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries
to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work if
this occurs, remain
in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you
are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be
used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The
Camo-Cough is very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will
end all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave
the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash
when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever.
This person could spend extended lengths of time in
front of the mirror
or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it
difficult to relax while
on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when
the bathroom is
empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom
attendees.
-sinbad
Sorry for the long delay. The blog is not dead as some of you may have thought. We are all alive and doing well. I normally will NEVER post a forward on the blog, but this was too good to pass up. Again, this is not mine or any of the writers work below:
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As
much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who
hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide
for taking a dump
at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so
the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left
your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next
to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes
an escapee. It
is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a
machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water.
This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to
stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is
best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. This very
uncomfortable walk can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud
of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always
look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering
the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes
off without incident. This group can help you to
monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify
SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in
the building where
you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper
of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries
to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work if
this occurs, remain
in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you
are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be
used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The
Camo-Cough is very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will
end all doubt that
the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave
the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash
when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever.
This person could spend extended lengths of time in
front of the mirror
or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it
difficult to relax while
on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when
the bathroom is
empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom
attendees.
-sinbad
