Bill Turns 21 - Ice Man
This one’s from the vault. My friend Bill turned 21 a few years ago. It was probably the spring of ’04 if I had to put a number on it. For some reason we decided to go low key and just get a few people together and hit a bar. I guess it was mostly because Bill was already well on his way to full blown alcoholism at this point and the fact that he was 21 didn’t change much except to add new venues for his inebriation.
It was the standard fare for a 21st, we went to the bar, rounds of shots were ordered, beers were chugged and good times were had. Our core group consisted of myself, Bill, Bill’s girlfriend, a slutty girl that Bill would have been banging had it not been for his girlfriend, and my roommate Jim although we did not live together yet at that time. There were some other stragglers at various bars along the way and some dudes the slutty girl attempted to extract free drinks out of. (She ended up becoming a stripper and I’m pretty sure is probably now dead).
At our final bar of the evening, Bill was pretty much unconscious. Props to him for not hurling. The bar closed and it was time for the five of us to make our way back to the apartment building that Bill and I lived in. It was clear that Bill was not up for this journey which was only about five blocks. Jim and I had to help him. I really am surprised that we did not get stopped by the police while doing this as the most direct route back to the building was straight across the campus of our university.
Once back at the building, the real fun began. Our building was a complete shit pile and frequently the elevator would stop working. This was one such evening. Bill is not a small dude and during the journey from the bar, his condition got progressively worse. We dropped him on the floor in front of the stairs and told him he was going to have to start walking. His apartment was on the sixth floor and there was no way we were carrying his fat ass up that far. Bill didn’t move, he just sat on the floor making moaning and grunting sounds. Not wanting to abandon our friend, Jim and I decided that the best course of action was to start kicking him in the ass and yelling at him until he started to crawl up the stairs. This worked. It was slow, and lots of people came out of their apartments to see what was going on, but eventually we got him up to his floor.
Once on the sixth floor, Jim and I decided that since he had gone up six flights of stairs, Jim was capable of propelling himself down the hall to his apartment, so we employed the same motivational technique that we used on the stairs and got him moving. At this point we had a pretty big crowd assembled as there were some parties in the building that had shifted to the hallway to witness our spectacle. Finally Jim and I got Bill into his apartment and left him on the floor next to his bed.
Jim and I went down to my apartment to recover, drink more, and laugh at Bill’s expense for a while. After about an hour, we decided we should go up and check on him. We went up to his place but he wasn’t in his room. The door to his bathroom was closed and there was no response when I knocked. I tried to open the door but it was stuck, after some considerable effort, I was able to get the door open enough to stick my head in. Bill was passed out on against the door and there was a big wet spot on his crotch. Jim and I could not stop laughing. We invited some of the neighbors in to take a look and then left him there for the remainder of the evening.
The next day was even better. Bill came down to my apartment looking particularly hung over. He walked in and commented, “Man, I wish you guys had turned on my air conditioner, when I woke up this morning my pants were all wet from sweating in them all night”. It’s been a while since I’ve laughed that hard. He was not pleased when I informed him of the source of the humidity in his pants.
-Ice Man
It was the standard fare for a 21st, we went to the bar, rounds of shots were ordered, beers were chugged and good times were had. Our core group consisted of myself, Bill, Bill’s girlfriend, a slutty girl that Bill would have been banging had it not been for his girlfriend, and my roommate Jim although we did not live together yet at that time. There were some other stragglers at various bars along the way and some dudes the slutty girl attempted to extract free drinks out of. (She ended up becoming a stripper and I’m pretty sure is probably now dead).
At our final bar of the evening, Bill was pretty much unconscious. Props to him for not hurling. The bar closed and it was time for the five of us to make our way back to the apartment building that Bill and I lived in. It was clear that Bill was not up for this journey which was only about five blocks. Jim and I had to help him. I really am surprised that we did not get stopped by the police while doing this as the most direct route back to the building was straight across the campus of our university.
Once back at the building, the real fun began. Our building was a complete shit pile and frequently the elevator would stop working. This was one such evening. Bill is not a small dude and during the journey from the bar, his condition got progressively worse. We dropped him on the floor in front of the stairs and told him he was going to have to start walking. His apartment was on the sixth floor and there was no way we were carrying his fat ass up that far. Bill didn’t move, he just sat on the floor making moaning and grunting sounds. Not wanting to abandon our friend, Jim and I decided that the best course of action was to start kicking him in the ass and yelling at him until he started to crawl up the stairs. This worked. It was slow, and lots of people came out of their apartments to see what was going on, but eventually we got him up to his floor.
Once on the sixth floor, Jim and I decided that since he had gone up six flights of stairs, Jim was capable of propelling himself down the hall to his apartment, so we employed the same motivational technique that we used on the stairs and got him moving. At this point we had a pretty big crowd assembled as there were some parties in the building that had shifted to the hallway to witness our spectacle. Finally Jim and I got Bill into his apartment and left him on the floor next to his bed.
Jim and I went down to my apartment to recover, drink more, and laugh at Bill’s expense for a while. After about an hour, we decided we should go up and check on him. We went up to his place but he wasn’t in his room. The door to his bathroom was closed and there was no response when I knocked. I tried to open the door but it was stuck, after some considerable effort, I was able to get the door open enough to stick my head in. Bill was passed out on against the door and there was a big wet spot on his crotch. Jim and I could not stop laughing. We invited some of the neighbors in to take a look and then left him there for the remainder of the evening.
The next day was even better. Bill came down to my apartment looking particularly hung over. He walked in and commented, “Man, I wish you guys had turned on my air conditioner, when I woke up this morning my pants were all wet from sweating in them all night”. It’s been a while since I’ve laughed that hard. He was not pleased when I informed him of the source of the humidity in his pants.
-Ice Man
